And then there are others that I wouldn’t see if even I were threatened with being thrown into a vat of rancid, boiling butter by the vindictive ghost of Attila the Hun.
Judging movies without seeing them is risky. God knows I’ve done it many a time, but like an addiction, I can’t stop doing it. No need, then, to resolve not to for the New Year; in fact, I’m going to continue in that vein with this post, which offers a list of the pictures I expect to be just plain awful, judging by their trailers, advertising or any other content available. These films, I predict, will be bad enough to warrant creation of a new kind of vomitorium geared to cineastes—one that will allow moviegoers to expel the contents of their stomachs in comfort after digesting nauseatingly bad celluloid creations. Soon, these should be up and running in theaters worldwide. I don’t have a patent for them, alas. Maybe someone will take me up on it.
I submit, then, my list of potentially lousy movies I refuse to see in 2015. And by the way: Just because I refuse to see them doesn’t mean I won’t. There’s a good chance I’ll force myself to watch some of them when they arrive on demand or via Netflix. I’m expecting to be proven right with all of these choices, but I’d welcome being wrong.
I just don’t think that’ll happen.
Junk, thy name is Mortdecai. The trailer for this abomination shows Johnny Depp once again hamming it up dreadfully—this time, as an art dealer bungling his way through various escapades. His British accent is awful. His crass behavior is obnoxious. And the film looks to be about as tasteful as a smushed, rotten durian fruit languishing by the side of a hot road in Arizona. I will not be seeing it. As a movie lover, I can’t.
Oh, joy—another film about someone tapped to save the world by the Wachowski siblings. As if the reprehensible Matrix (1999-2003) trilogy weren’t enough. Once again, it looks like special effects and an all-too-serious mien substitute for a solid script and non-posturing performances. Too bad; we could use more decent sci-fi these days. We won’t get it with Jupiter Ascending.
Avengers: Age of Ultron
How many more superhero films do we have to be bombarded with before Hollywood recognizes our need to cry “uncle”? The first Avengers movie (2012) was mediocre enough; now we’re getting another one … directed by one of my least-favorite filmmakers, Joss Whedon. If that doesn’t cry out “glib” and “smashing things,” I don’t know what does.
Stop. The. Insanity. Now. I can’t take more Taken. Really, Liam Neeson, why are you doing this? I mean, I know it’s for a paycheck, but once upon a time, you were a great actor. Your performance in 1993’s Schindler’s List (as well as in oddities such as 1981’s Excalibur) was superb. Taken 3? Please tell me it’s an anomaly. Well, a third one, at least.
I hate to say it, because I love this character, but Paddington looks like toilet humor masquerading as a children’s movie. And slapstick. Oh-so-annoying slapstick. That’s sad, because there’s so much that could be done with this little bear from a cinema standpoint. Maybe we’ll have to wait another 20 years for a quality movie of it.
The Wedding Ringer
I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda tired of these one-note raunchy gross-a-thons posing as “comedies.” The Wedding Ringer, about a fellow who hires someone to be his best man, looks like that type of movie. I think we’ve been there, done that with this genre. Time to try something else … that’s funny.
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
Perhaps it’s not fair to lament this children’s movie, but frankly, I’m wondering why kids have to be subjected to this garbage. There are better family films out there; why subject the tykes to this puerile nonsense? SpongeBob is bottom-of-the-barrel fare for little ones. I’d even take Barney over this one. Well … maybe not.
Fifty Shades of Grey
I love movie titles with puns in their names. No, I don’t. It smacks of a lack of inspiration, and this bit of tripe exemplifies that. And, no, I don’t think the movie will be sexy. Sleazy, yes. But representative of any true, credible sexual feeling? Hell, no. This is going to be steamy, salacious rubbish; I know that for a “fact.”
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Hey, the 2011 predecessor to this movie wasn’t very good anyway—let’s do a sequel! That must’ve been the mindset in the making of this film, which takes a great cast, once again, and feeds them a maudlin script. It’s like doing a sequel to Krull or something. Why are sequels rarely done for good movies? Inquiring minds want to know.
As an actor, Kenneth Branagh is terrific; his Shakespearean interpretations leave little to be desired. As a director, however, he’s not my favorite: Thor (2011) being his worst offering. Cinderella, I assume, will be in that mold. No Cocteau’s La Belle et la Bête (1946) this. I’d rather turn into a pumpkin than watch it.